I just can't. ..

Something inside me has given. It has given into the hysterics of trying to read my husband's mind. I just can't seem to get it right. I don't put forth an effort and it looks like I don't care, to only care about myself. I put forth the normal effort I would anything in my life, and somehow I seem to make a tragic mistake. However, this mistake is only measured by one. The only person who matters. So now I feel completely torn down. If I can't get it right, do I stop trying. Or do I continue down the same road because that road is the very road that defines me. The very road they where drawn to, like moths to a flame.

I feel as if he just can't do it anymore. He keeps mentioning it to me, however I have somehow turned out to be the one who wants out. The person who just wants to be done. That is the furthest from my mind. I want to work. I want to put forth an effort. I want to look back on this saying we have made it through one more hurdle. 

He is the angriest person I know. And he gets like this twice a year. At some point he needs to deal with his never tiring issues and unresolved hurt. I get the brunt. No one ever sees it.  

DEAR AMERICANS

To My Fellow Americans:

Our nation has a decision to make. We are in such a volital place right now and I feel like we are looking down the barrel of a gun.

No matter what side you stand for, just please stand for something. As Americans we feel as if our country is running itself sometimes and forget that there is more out there then us. The US. We must stay educated about our government, about other countries, not just what is happening on Facebook or Twitter.

The things that are happening are terrible, however one must ask, can we hold it together just with us helping not only us however everyone else. This country needs a lot of work. It seems to me everything is just getting worse.

Should we not take pride in our free country.  Should we not want for generations to come to relish what we know to be an amazing home. 

How To Be A Mommy

In this generation, it is easy to figure out how to be a mother. Just find someone that will have sex with you unprotected and bam, your a mother. 9 months later you give birth to a human being you had a hand in creating. It is once you have that child where you have to ask yourself the question of what type of mother you want to be.

I have been blessed because all of my friends seem to have children. It's through watching them that I have learned how I want to raise my children. I have one friend who raises their children through fear. Her daughter is completely terrified of her. She threatens her. Tears her down emotionally. And the daughter takes it and says nothing. However when I try to joke around with said child, the child doesn't know how to take the joke. She gets offended. I don't want my child to be like that. I don't want my child raised like that. This daughter is afraid to ask her mom to download a game on her iPhone. So sad. I also don't want to be the mom to pawn off my child either. I know one mom who hands her child off so much the child isn't freaked out when a stranger holds them. This is the same child that never gets a bath and is always in dirty clothes. I don't want to be the mom with a child that acts spoiled either. Another little girl I know just starts crying when she doesn't get her way because if she cries enough, mommy and daddy will give her want she wants. This is the same toddler who has an iPad mini and watches tv all the time while we are in public.

I want my children to be raised with the same morals I was. I didn't have all of that growing up. I had Barbies. And dollies. And watched Power Rangers on Saturday mornings. I think I'm getting closer to the thought of being a mom. I think I'm going to make mistakes. I think I'm not going to get it right all the time. But I think at the em of the day my child will know who loves them.

I have two households now. I clean not only my house but our friend's house. It always takes me four hours to clean this house. Disgusting.

Something just drives me crazy...

So in my life. I always have something gong on. However I always revolves around one person's extra curricular activities. I love him and I am so glad he has found something he is passionate about, however, I would love be even be able to be a quarter passionate about it. I just am burnout with every weekend and every conversation revolving around this. I would love to have that fire back. But I've lost my fire for many things. I'm in a searching phase of life. A searching phase for me. I have made my husband my identity and I am somehow have just been okay with being in the background, waiting. With my new job, I don't even know what to tell people about me, other then school, because that's the only thing I have individually identified with. I'm passionate about reading books, however, I've been told I do it too much. And I've been put down about it, so I withdrew. However, he wants to practice practice practice and I have to deal with it. All I do is sit waiting. Left with this stress.

And his easiness with it all.

However, this stress has caused my uneasiness. This stress has pressured on my brain, slowly and effectively becoming the largest headache, that does not go away with any amount of ibuprofen. I want to just have one day celebrate me and my accomplishments. However I can't be aside that happens once every few months. Forever stream of his wonderfulness.

How do you live up to the hype of your husband making people see that you are worthy of everything he has to offer. I'd like to think that I've only shown a fourth of everything I offer. That I just haven't reached that point yet. And no one truly knows what happens behind closed doors. As great as we can all be, I know that all of us reach that preverbal asshole point, mostly done in the private of our own homes.

Things we say, how we say them, words poorly chosen. This just adds to the negative aspects of our identities.

Sticks and stones. The lesson we have been taught since birth.

I do not regret anything in my life. I do not regret decisions I have made. I love my husband and I love that he is the one that is who my forever is.